A Ghost In This World

Outside I could hear children’s delighted screams of joy. As they spent their day in the playground, soaring on the wings of imagination, the sun was shining down upon them. It was mocking me.

“Would you shut the blinds?”

The nurse hesitated. Then she reluctantly pulled the blinds down while looking at me with a look of disapproval. I turned my back to her, pulling the covers over my head. As the light was shut out and the screams of life were muffled, I snuggled up. Knees under my chin, arms wrapped tightly around them, I tried to shut out the pain as successfully as the light. But it was no good. Seems you can only keep the good things at a distance. As the dark engulfed my surroundings and my soul, it pulled me down into uneasy dreams. The laughter outside turned into memories of childhood and blissful joy. I was running barefoot; there was grass underneath me and trees at my sides. I skipped through them with ease, hurrying towards my mothers singing voice. Darling? Darling, where are you? Her voice said, but it came from behind me. Confused, I changed directions, as I turned, the light faded, leaving me to search in the dark. I yelled for my mum, asking her where she had gone. I was still running, but in the dark I kept hitting trees and I lost track of my surroundings, wondering suddenly which way was up. Then I couldn’t find footing; there was no ground below me, no sweet grass and no foundation. My surroundings were no longer sustainable to hold me, and I fell. My mother’s voice screamed, I could hear her begging and pleading to get me back, crying my name out in sorrow. I could feel her hands grasping after mine outstretched ones, but we never seemed to be able to get a hold, and after a while we drifted apart. The darkness engulfed me as the air moved faster around me, whipping my long hair around my face. My parents' scream echoed around me; it was a scream I had heard time and time again before. It was the scream that escaped from their mouths’ as the truck came all to fast towards our car, it’s lights blinding me as it replaced the previous darkness. I reached for Melanie’s hand and found it. We plaited our fingers together and squeezed tight. The fear gripped me, and I screamed.

Annie! Annie, wake up!

I woke up with a start, immediately feeling the pain. For a moment of madness I wished the dream back, preferring it to the harsh reality. I could feel my body bathing in sweat and I wondered if I needed to throw up.

“Annie, are you alright?”

I opened my eyes and saw my sister's worried ones looking down on me. Fresh flowers were at my nightstand, their colours too happy for me to quite enjoy them. As I pushed the dream out of my head I nodded. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat down, but it wouldn’t budge and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. My sister said words of comfort and bent down to hug me as I sobbed and my tears shed. Oh Annie, she whispered in my ear, stroking my bald head lovingly. Oh Annie. It was too much, the everlasting pain taking control of my body and the darkness pulling me down into depression was no longer bearable. My mind was not prepared for this much of life on the bad side, it couldn’t sustain it. My reflection broke my heart every time I saw it by mistake. The times when it took me by surprise, as the car suddenly drove into a tunnel and the beautiful view was replaced by my grotesque appearance or as the steel treys carrying hospital food were emptied and flipped to the side, at those times my insides ached. They ached and I couldn’t take it, but somehow I just had to. I kept sobbing through my thoughts. I was clinging my fragile body to my sister with all the strength I could manage, I savoured her gentle strokes and her soothing lullaby and I remembered how our mother used to sing us both to sleep with it a whole lifetime ago. I told her through stammers and sobs that I missed our mum and she said that she missed her too. She pulled away from me. She was crying as well, but she smiled at me. I wondered how she could, and put my hands in front of my face to hide it.

“Stop it,” I heard her voice mumble, almost laughing.

“Don’t laugh at me,” I said, but she did anyway and pulled my hands away from my face. I kept my eyes closed and listened to hear breathing and the children laughing. It was warm, and I could feel the sun on my face.

“Did you open the blinds?” I asked grudgingly, peaking. She was still smiling through her tears and she nodded.

“It’s a beautiful day,” she said, “want to come see it with me?”

“No.”

“C’mon, some light and fresh air will do you good,” she insisted. I could tell that she had thought about it all day, planning and hoping. A wheelchair stood ready by the door. The door was opened a crack, and she looked longingly from it to me. I turned my head towards the window and wished through the everlasting pain that I could have my life back. I missed the Sunday morning breakfast and the walks through the woods between my school and our home. I missed climbing the mountains that surrounded the town and the feeling of victory as I reached the top. I could see the mountains through the window. The sun was shining blissfully against them and they stood proudly at their place, unaware of sorrow or happiness. I wondered if I would sacrifice happiness if it meant relief from pain, knowing the second the question strolled into my mind that yes, I would. I would trade anything for this to go away, I would trade my whole life for it. In my moments of optimism, I would think to myself that it couldn’t get any worse; it had to be at the end. In these moments, I would wallow in the thought of my life ending, feeling a small smile spread across my face as I felt the truth of this filling my body. Then the moment would pass, and I would cry yet again, wishing for a pill or a shot to stop my heart from pushing oxygen around my body, forcing it to stay alive and endure the torture.

“Annie, won’t you come with me down to the lake? Please?” My sister said, and I turned back to her, leaving the mountains to exist on their own accord. She lifted her hand to my face and stroked my chin gently.

“Oh, alright then,” I said.

She helped me into the shower and washed me with soap that smelled of flowers. Our favourite music was playing as she dressed me in a yellow dress that complimented what was left of my figure and wrapped my head in a matching scarf. She put small and delicate ballerina shoes on my feet. I coughed and complained through the whole process, but I was grateful. Memories were flooding my mind, and I enjoyed the rush of visions from my lost lifetime. The music and the pretty dress and my sister belonged there, and I pretended to be a part of it as I closed my eyes and remembered.

“Annie, Mel? Do you want some iced tea?” my mother asked, poking her head around the corner of our house. We were swinging back and forth through the warmth, feeling our summer dresses gently whipping our ankles as we rushed through the air. Melanie jumped as her swing reached its full height and soared through the air. She landed gracefully on the grass. I followed her lead, but landed in a tumble by her feet, getting my dress dirty. In a hysterical cry, Melanie’s laugh erupted. She laughed and laughed until she was out of breath, stumbling around on the lawn as she lost balance from laughing so hard. I laughed with her, thinking of how stupid I must have looked. Our mother yelled for us, and giggling we rounded the corner and sped towards the table where the adults were sitting. The cups and plates were glinting in the sun and our mum, dad and grandparents’ voices were happy and without worries. I sat down; the chair was too big for me so my feet were pointing straight forward. I was short of breath and a bead of sweat ran down my neck. My grandmother smiled at me, tousled my hair and handed me a glass of iced tea. I gulped it down, breathing heavily into my glass and looking at the tea sloshing around in it. I looked up and caught my father’s eye. He blinked at me and I blinked back, squeezing both my eyes together. When I opened them my father was laughing at me. Birds were singing and a warm breeze was caressing me, blowing my hair into my face.

The sounds of the hospital surrounded me as my sister pushed me though the grey hallways. The air was still and smelled of plastic. I was grateful that we were going outside. As we reached the lobby nurses and doctors smiled at me, telling me to have a good day outside, but take care now! Melanie promised we would, and smiled sweetly back at them. I would do nothing but stare grudgingly, like a stubborn child getting a present in the middle of a bad day. We passed a glass wall with a dark room behind it. The sharp lights of the hospital made my reflection appear on the glass and I drew my breath hard. The tumor had pressed on my eye, making it three times it's size and blodshot. My eyeslid were almost closed around it, unable to hold themselves up. The rest of my face was covered with what looked like infected wounds. My sister noticed the reflection, and sped up. As the electric doors opened fresh air surrounded me. The yells from the children in the playground were suddenly louder and I squinted in the bright light. The sun sent rays of warmth onto my body. As I felt the world and all its glory engulf itself around me I started to cry. I was a ghost in this world; I could see and acknowledge everything. But I couldn’t feel it through the pain and the darkness. Ear plugs were put into my ears and music filled my mind. The Beatles were singing Here Comes the Sun and all around me was everything I wanted. The wheelchair started moving again and I sobbed once more. We reached the lake. Melanie helped me out of the wheelchair and I sat on the grass, watching the clear, blue water. I was tired, so I lay down on my side, listening to the wind blowing though the trees. Melanie lay down beside me and looked into my eyes.

“Do you remember when dad took us here that time when you fell from the tree into the water?” she asked, her eyes tinkling with laughter from the memory. I snorted from suddenly laughing as well. Tears welled up in Melanie’s eyes and she smiled, “It’s so good to hear you laugh, you have no idea,” she said and kissed my forehead. Smiling at her, I closed my eyes. My body was exhausted from the trip, and as I lay on the grass feeling my chest rise and fall slowly with my breath I almost felt good. Again I felt myself slowly falling asleep. I reached for Melanie’s hand and found it. We plaited our fingers together and I listened to the water sloshing lazily against the rocks that kept it in place. It felt as though my body was drifting with the rhythm of the water. For the first time in over a year, the pain left me. For a moment, I felt alive again. I felt Melanie's hand and I loved her with all my being. For one blissful moment, everything was well. I lay in a sea of happiness as my mind peacefully drifted into dreams.